My life in a nutshell…

Long ago, but not so far away there was this girl who had a pretty rough start at life. For many years she was haunted by sad, horrible memories of a childhood marked by abuse both mental/emotional abuse as well as physical abuse. She was raised and taught that she was adopted because she was damaged and her own parents dumped her. For the generosity and goodness they showed by bringing her home and taking on this “problem” she was introduced to a life a servitude to adequately allow her to “earn her keep.” After all, she was damaged, worthless, stupid, fat, ugly. Believing this all to be true, this girl tried her best just to get by, get thru, maybe if she could do good enough there would be a light at the end of the tunnel. As the darkness began to encompass her entire being she made the only attempt she knew how to, she married the first who asked. The day those vows were exchanged this girl jumped from the “frying pan” those adoptive parents had her in and leaped directly into the fire. Burned by the cruelty of a man who believed she was a possession, or an animal to be controlled, used, sold, beaten down, humiliated, stalked. When the opportunity arose she escaped the prison she had leaped into head first and ran for her life. Once again, like at birth, no one wanted her, no one would help. You brought this on yourself, don’t bring your problems here. Like the past 9 years she still would sneak the occasional drink to settle her nerves, but alcohol just didn’t quite have the same calming effect, so she began to binge drink. Funny how hangovers and a little hair of the dog still can’t quite get you to that same place where you thought you could be “normal” but you become acquainted with cocaine, and heroine. A fickle pair, at first they flirt with you, make you feel so good, so confident, so…happy? But then they slow down, they don’t act so quickly as to pick you right up off the floor. Meet our friend, and your new best friend…needle, meet Lisa. The most beautiful moment, that first “pop” the blood pooling in the end, and then that rush of warmth that goes from the top of your head down to the tip of every toe…please don’t let this ever end. They all lied. Alcohol, cocaine, heroin, and especially needle. I thought you were my best friend, but now you taunt me because I can’t get that same perfect high I achieved on that first slam. Damn you, now I’m either crawling out of my skin or so doped up and can’t function. Fuck you all. Marriage two, two people with the best of intentions and a love they believed pure, a beautiful daughter created out of this love, a breakdown of two people with so much hidden down deep inside things were destined to crack. Fight or flight is a really strange place to be in your entire life. Relaxation in it’s truest form has completely escaped you. Relaxation is a day when you aren’t looking over your shoulder, jumping when the phone rings, if someone knocks at the door, jumping so much as a stranger touches your shoulder to see if your alright that you end up startling them. Crying for hours and hours alone in the dark because you have no idea what the hell is wrong with you but you are now convinced that they were all right, all along. You are a worthless, damaged piece of shit that is totally unloveable and if you have anyone in your life you better work hard to keep them because you are so not worth sticking around for. Marriage three. What the hell…is this for real? I have to be dreaming, this man cannot possibly be so perfect, but what if he is, don’t blow it stupid. You feel all the love you feel for another reciprocated, completely, without holding back, you even receive love unconditionally when your anxiety is at an all time high, your on the defense just waiting for the other shoe to fall. He loves you, relentlessly, continually, without hesitation. CPTSD. What? All those nightmares are memories…Oh god, I am insane, I’ve totally lost it. They come, they won’t stop, you walk into that house of horror you grew up in, entered it for the first time in 13 years and the memories hit you like a tsunami destroying all in it’s path. All those cracks you’ve been able to patch over the years, all those you hid, pushed deep down inside where they would surely just rot and die…they were unleashed. The attacks were constant, sometimes very subtle but over time unnerving. But those that came in like the enemy, ready to seek out your every vulnerability and attack until you lay in a crumpled pile sobbing and begging for death. Cutting became a reality daily. I think my head is going to explode. SHUT THE FUCK UP. I know I’m worthless, I know I’m ruining others lives just by being there. Oh that cut, the seering white hot pain and the warm blood dripping from your skin is mesmerizing. The physical pain takes you away from those demons in your head…the pain stopped, god no, they’re coming for me again where’s my razor…I won’t be here, I’ll show them. My knight in shining armor, my rock, my love, just like in a fairy tale he actually rushed in, he fucking actually arrived in time to just stop the final end. He knew? He said he just knew something was wrong, he turned his truck around and came back home.
Hello heavy medication, you’re here not to heal me but to prevent me from doing any more harm until at such time as I can begin to heal. Heal? Seriously? I know, meds or not, I will die before this hell ever ends.
New home, new beginnings, not really. New home, yea…but turns out it’s just a new, more scenic place for me to hide. Im tired of hiding, I need to live? I think? Good questions, but aren’t they all? Geez Lisa, just who the hell are you anyway? I have no idea, I can list all the things I have been told, taught, had it drilled into me who I was, but who am I?
I love nature, always been a “tree hugger”, okay, what else? Love animals, always have…maybe because I know what it feels like to be used for any ability you may have, be treated as an object to be owned, a commodity to be bought and sold, property. I love music, art, photography, I love books…love to read, love to write. What do you know about yourself? Hmm, I’m fat, ugly, gross, stupid, sick, and I hate myself. UNACCEPTABLE WOMAN! Do something about it. I should be vegan because it’s where my spirit is, but changing food…food is my friend. When no one else is there it will be to comfort me and make me feel safe by padding my heart from the rest of the world with layers of fat to cover the scars and open wounds left by others. You reach for help and it comes but you don’t trust it, you don’t trust yourself, you time and time keep going back to those things that you believe comfort you, love you but it’s only a guise to get you in deeper. They began to dissect you piece by piece until you realize that you won’t have to take that final blow, you’ve been working on it for years. They started it, but you were so well trained that when they stopped you picked up the slack and attacked from within, and when it came without thought, unconsciously, getting nastier with each passing day. I still feel like shit and now I can see death sitting across the room from me, in no hurry, “take your time love, you’ve got a few more years before it all goes to shit, then I’ll take you when your all worn out” NO! I don’t want to die! They wanted to help before, will they think your worth a second chance? DO YOU BELIEVE YOUR WORTH ANOTHER CHANCE? Yes, I think I do this time…
I don’t want to be thin, I don’t want to be liked and loved by all, I just want to be able to stay with the ones I love…please help me live.
Changes, huge life altering changes. Heart and mind full of doubt but with a determination that has never been there before, what’s different this time? I learned something about myself, I have to like me…no I HAVE TO LOVE ME! I was taught to hate myself, without ever getting the chance to get to know who I was, or could be. Lisa…meet Lisa! I hope this doesn’t sound too shallow, but damn, I really like this girl, no…I really LOVE this girl. I am so worth this fight!
Plant based eating…months one and two? OH MY GOD WOMAN, did you have to decide to take this on right at the beginning of the holiday season? Actually, yes I did. I have put off anything for “me” for years and this is literally do or DIE. Month three, influenza, doctor…ER…doctor…doc’s opinion, I really don’t believe you would have survived this had you not made those changes, eating plant based, quitting smoking, no alcohol.
Month four, whoa…energy? Stomach pain subsiding, digestive issues beginning to remedy as if by themselves. But wait, you’re feeling more clear headed, you feel like you need to continue this momentum but how? Get out of that zone, that comfort zone, no I can’t, try it Lisa, just try it.
Okay, I’ll try, but I have to be able to get my juice there, I am introducing cannibas to rid myself of all those prescription meds that are making me so sick. 14 medications each day, some multiple times a day, 3 meds for side effects alone, 1 for side effects of side effect medicine? really? Yep, really.
Going to the retreat? No, can’t get down there with my juice, can’t drive alone, too much anxiety. Enter my knight in shining armor, my rock. We are going to the retreat, I took the time off and I’m driving US there so that we can help you get better. Someone gave of themselves for the sole purpose of helping me, thank you for showing me unconditional love in it’s truest form, this will forever change how grateful I am for every single moment in every single day.
Retreat, life altering? To say the least. Learn anything? Yes…community is everything! Being surrounded by like minded people who have their own demons, struggles, but with a common goal of finding our best, healthiest selves so that we can fight those demons and win. Friends, support, love, cheering, rooting, applauding, laughing and sharing our wins, our struggles, our losses…but now someone else, many someone elses are cheering for you, hoping for you, laughing with you, and crying with you as they help you up and push you forward. Worth the trip? Priceless.
Retreat two, Yoga? Yep, yoga! A group of women whose lives are so uniquely different but our struggles, our pain, our traumas, they are all so different yet so similar…
The chrysalis that was my life began to open and the light began to shine on me. As I felt the warmth of this light I had been missing for so long, the warmth of each individual personality embraced me and I felt my anxieties begin to melt. Tears flowed without cause, unnerving me because this time I couldn’t make them stop. They flowed, and with them so much pent up pain, hurt, tears that were meant to flow from early childhood that were stopped in fear of retribution. But now I cried. I cried for what had happened, I cried for what I lost, what I never had, for what I had destroyed trying to run from that pain. I mourned. I mourned all the childhood memories others had that I didn’t. I mourned never being a daughter. Then I opened up my entire being to the universe, I spoke to God and told him what I had learned, and for the first time He answered me. There is no one way to me my daughter, yes I said daughter, you are mine, as I am yours, as we are all. I created all, as diverse as the earth is geologically, I did this for a purpose, I gave everyone a way to seek me, and through my sons and daughters that have the light to lead others to me I gave the gift of prophecy. Texts were written, all vastly different but if read with an open mind and heart the messages I leave are very clear, and the same in each one. Love one another, love your brother, your neighbor as you would yourself, something I’m glad to see you doing for once. Embrace each other as the miracles I made you to be, but do not judge, for you are all on the right path if you are seeking me in the ways of love, peace, kindness and compassion. But I don’t understand all those different religions, some left me with so much guilt…it’s not the religion my dear, it’s those who have interpreted it in their own way, in only one way. Basically it comes down to this, I don’t really care how, but that you seek me out. Embrace all, include all, love all, always choose kindness and compassion. Let your ego give you strength when fear is scratching at your door, but keep it in check. Always be grateful, be kind, show compassion. Do not judge another, I didn’t give you that job, just treat them as you wish to be treated. Fight hate with love and in the end chase your dreams, live your live to it’s fullest every single day, be the change you want to see, show others the way and illuminate their path with your light, always choose kindness and compassion. My daughter, you are finally seeing your purpose.
Body-healthy, getting healthier everyday. I feel incredible, alive! Mind-healing, more and more each day…still have rough days, you betcha but with a healthy healing body and mind it’s so much easier to find ways to work through those, although this new found energy has been a challenge with manic phases but, they are workable and manageable. Spirit/soul-full! Everything in the world, even things most take for granted…I see things I’ve never seen before, smells, tastes, sounds, touch…it’s incredible. All those things I should have discovered as a child I see them now! I’m not afraid to act like a child, love and laugh like a child, see things in a positive light without duress. Are you at peace, (tears flowing softly) yes. For the first time in a lifetime, yes I am.
Now my daughter, let me ask you this…if I could change things, take you back and make everything as you always dreamed of, would you want to start again?
No, I actually said it outloud as if anyone else could hear you speaking to me. NO! thank you, but no. Silence, a deafening silence…God? May I ask why my child?
Yes. Because I know, more than I have ever known anything that no matter what the road was like, and it was more than rough, it was rocky it was horrific…it brought me here, with all the understanding and compassion that I could have been robbed of. I could have ended up here a very angry, hating and bitter person with no joy, and a heart filled with hate, doubt, anger, resentment. I made it through with love and compassion and I am here with the person I know deep in my soul that I am meant to be here with, I am in the exact place, with all the right people in my life and my purpose is clear. No, I wouldn’t go back and change a thing, but make no mistake, I wouldn’t want to relive it again either, once was enough. But now I truly have a heart that doesn’t want anyone else to ever feel the way I was made to feel. Unlike a lot of people, I got to feel what it was like to be knocked down, judged and discriminated against and with that understanding I don’t feel anger or hate, I just want to embrace and make others feel loved just as they are, celebrated for who they are, perfect they way they were made.
In my lifetime I have been treated like an animal that is owned, like a piece of trash, like the bastard at the family reunion. Ive been called fat, ugly, worthless, stupid, “the reason abortion became legal”. Been judged to be lazy and unclean because I was fat, gross and ugly too. Judged by my skin color, had my skin practically scrubbed off to get it pink and “white” enough so I didn’t look like a nigger (“I better never find out this kid has nigger in her”) yea…not a favorite word of mine, but a word I used a time or two myself. I have been used for all that could be drained of me…love, compassion, hope, money, life and still gave more so I wouldn’t be abandoned. And I have taken it all. Being used/abused ignored, and finally taking it all in and finding that all of that SHIT, made what you see before you today….
Gardeners tip also good for life…manure always produces the sweetest fruit, and the most beautiful blooms!