Trying to stay in the present

Lately I have noticed that as much as I feel I am on the road of healing I really have a profound way of sabotaging myself over and over. I think that because of where I am in my healing process I have actually began to feel the anger I have been pushing down for over 50 years now and it will not be silenced! So…as you can imagine I am trying, along with my therapist to find ways, preferably not the violent ones I seem to lean toward, to effectively distribute my anger in creative ways (along with the times when I do get to go out and beat up an inanimate object!).

My main focus right now is trying to stay in the present, and if your anything like me this can end up being a very powerful tool for your healing journey because my choice of self harm these days since I stopped cutting is to go back into my head, into my past and still try and figure out why, how, and what I could have done to make it different and I can spend days, weeks even in that very dark place.

The good news is that while I am still doing that to myself, during these periods I still am taking care of my physical health! The funny thing is that it’s such a great thing to know how horrible I would feel physically that I won’t falter from my plant based diet but there are certain habits now which I have to do or it completely throws off my day!

Staying present in every moment of your life is a difficult task for many, but for those of us who have survived trauma or have other illnesses that prevent us from being able to do this with ease-this my friends is hard work! I didn’t realize how much my fear, anxiety, etc. has kept me either hashing over my past or fearing my future and then wondering where all the time went and how come my life is passing me by, I’m not even living it?!

Well, for me it has been an ongoing process to find what works the best for me. Remember, always find what works best for you! No matter how many well meaning friends, family members or even your therapist. If you have a therapist that pushes a certain type of therapy on to you, change doctors! A good therapist/Psychiatrist will understand when you need their suggested therapies and/or meds but will also know that as you progress, as long as you are progressing and moving forward you may or may not be comfortable with some types of therapy and will work with you to find what fits you best! I myself no longer take any of my psych meds. I quit all anti depressants, anti psychotics, mood stabilizers, and of course the anxiety meds…for me I got to a point where I could no longer move forward in healing, I was stuck not wanting to get better because the meds made me so numb, and I knew it was time for me to feel all those things I had been avoiding for so long. I began using cannabis and obtained a prescription from a doctor and can report have been successfully using all forms for not only all my symptoms from CPTSD but also my chronic pain issues are so much better and manageable!

Let me just say that I strongly do not suggest taking my course of action as it had some really rough moments over the first 12 months of me stopping meds (I did not seek my doctors advice, I quit cold turkey) so just let me reiterate DO NOT DO THIS!!

Back to being present, I have found for me that I have to really be careful of when I watch television. Oddly enough I don’t really watch what’s on most of the time as I am usually in my head so to break that cycle I only watch when there is something on that I want to see or watch with someone else and I only have music on in the background which so far has been very helpful in keeping me in the “now”!

Well, on to the day with some great music on and some tasks to complete!