Blog

Ladies, seriously we need to talk…
Eyebrows, we all have them, sort of, in many shapes and forms and for those of us who began to search the idea of tweezing/shaving our brows in the 1970’s (if your in that era don’t be ashamed, we all discovered tweezers and the flicker razor!). Now we are older, and have been through many decades of changes in eyebrows. For those of you who are like me, now in my 50’s and it is obviously apparent what decade is mine, by the lack of brow. Yes my loves, when the 80’s started rocking the full brow like Madonna and Brooke Sheilds I could not recover from my pencil thin brows of the 70’s. They did come back a little, but not enough to really make a difference and for those of you who have seen many photos of me sporting nice stylish brows, let me just say they do make some remarkable products to allow you to produce brows that are believably beautiful in photos and at great distance (I myself recommend at least 6 feet!). That being said, at the age that I am I have since made the “change” of life…praise menopause ladies, no more tampons, pads, or late night midol runs that your hubby didn’t mind at all as he knew those miraculous little pills would soon knock your crazy butt out! (or was that just me?). Although you no longer have visits from your little friend, your monthly bill, the crimson wave, etc…no more pmsomgthisisonecrazybitch days (mine toward the end were about 6 hours long, followed by a week of isthispoorwomanevergoingtostopcrying! Yep, as I still am was one rollercoaster of insanity all along! However, menopause while it has its plusses, also has a few drawbacks, and by no means are these little things. This brings me to eyebrows. Although way over tweezed, they were not half bad since I barely had to tweeze now because they just didn’t grow back, except in the middle, damn unibrow always trying to make a come back! Enter menopause, now not only are those hairs not growing back, but a whole new crop has risen below where my natural brows were pre-tweezing, like down on my damn eyelid. If that isn’t bad enough, to add insult to injury we now have a obvious moustache and goatee growing. While at the farm I noticed how much Brayleigh and I had similar smiles, I didn’t notice until I got home how much our chins looked alike too! I would say that at least men loose hair and then grow it back in weird places like back and ears. But who cares about back hair, I love my fuzzy bear! But ears, ewwww that’s just nasty so since men don’t care and we’re the ones who have to see it, we just got the shit sandwich didn’t we. I mean we have periods, pap smears, mammograms, colonoscopies, menopause, hot flashes, night sweats, hair loss, weird hair growth, do I need to go on. And men, they lose hair, get weird hair, colonoscopy if you can drag them there, and the all mighty prostate exam (like I said, if you can drag them there!). I have threatened many times (I believe every hot flash has brought this threat) for a prostate exam, of course Jim just chuckles knowing this is an empty threat as I’m a pushover, and I couldn’t move him any easier than I could push our truck while it’s in park. So, this really had no point except that I had weird thoughts about eyebrows today…did I get off point a bit or what! LOL

It’s amazing the things we will do and go through just to try to ensure that we are not abandoned…
Yep, today I am writing about not only abandonment issues, but issues that those of us with trauma understand all too well, and others that have not just think we’re weird, odd, off, eccentric, and as for me I proudly and boldly wave my freak flag as I have always been different and today I celebrate that I am WEIRD! Join me, it’s rough at first, but once you get the hang of it-it’s so much fucking fun!
That being said, with all the people in my life that I couldn’t run from in my childhood I didn’t for years because I thought that they were all I had. Now, these people, mostly adults would do whatever they could to make me feel as if they cared, that they had my best interest at heart (and truthfully I don’t know that not to be true but if it was true, these were some seriously twisted individuals!)
Now, let me just say this right off the bat, love should NEVER, EVER hurt you. If someone says I say this because I love you and this is for your own good, and what they say makes you shake and desperately try to hold back tears…it was not for you, it was for them and they were trying to keep you where they believed you belonged.
For years I have misconstrued what I believed were compliments or suggestions for my benefit, but in looking at them in new light and life they were anything but complimentary, they were used with the sole purpose to #1 fool me into thinking my best interests were at the heart of it and #2 to keep me questioning myself, doubting, hating, loathing…a place they could control me and my thoughts. Now you may ask yourself who the hell were these people….in the loosest sense of the terms they were parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, all blood related in someway to the “parents” and if you can actually fucking believe this, not many of these people were very happy about the ADOPTION. They all had this if they’re not blood they’re nothing mentality and were totally against adoption…for now (years later someone would suggest they adopt out of the goodness of their heart for some poor disadvantaged child no one wanted) these are also people who do not “give” unless they get total kudos and recognition for it over and over and over again!

For one thing, in their eyes, me in this family was like having a 100% Scandinavian parents adopt a baby from Ethiopia…yes that was a rather dramatic analogy but true. They called me by certain derogatory terms used against some ethnic groups, words I myself have used and are deeply ashamed that I let those assholes condition me to hate certain people for the way they looked, but then again why would I be surprised, they did the same to me!
I digress…what I have come to find out is that those individuals were not the only ones, they were the pioneers lets say, at least in MY life they were. But they groomed me, conditioned me to believe that it was my job to relentlessly follow anyone who would give me the time of day simply because I was so grossly unlovable that I should hang on at all costs to those who would show me that courtesy.
Who’s saying “what the fuck?” right about now, and whose saying “oh my god this sounds way too familiar…” well, it’s a no brainer…I have surrounded myself with people just like this. The easiest thing for me to do ever since I was a kid was to put ME on the back burner and devote myself to someone else, making sure their every need, wish, dream, whatever I could help to achieve for them would come true. I have made tons of friends…boy isn’t that a loose term! Friends that have not been there for me unless they needed to appease me in some way or throw me a little bone because the lack of reciprocation is starting to make cracks in my usually smooth veneer.
Now that I am healing and really looking at my life and what/who/where is working for me, with me, or simply not about me at all. I am not one to walk away from people unless they are seriously detrimental to my physical or mental well being, especially since I have found out after having some people in my life for years, decades even that I truly love them. I think of them as friends, some as family, but on a daily basis they are not around, but even with those occasional themed relationships I have to walk away from putting myself into those situations. I will always love these individuals, and at the time when they have grown and found some light and peace maybe we can pick up where we left off in a new, loving, special and healthy way for us both. I can no longer do things for others with no reciprocation of any kind. I will not swoop in and save the day, make any kind of dream a reality, save you from yourself, or be used in any way.
As you may have guessed…duh! I have had some friends/family that would be there when their world was turning to shit and be my constant companion until things get back on an even keel, there have been others that only come around at the time of a need or want and then disappear as if it never happened. I can no longer be the friend in the darkness and when the light starts to shine you go off and share all the wonderful parts with your real friends, family, the ones you truly love…NO, am I wrong, or do you choose to share with friends you love to be around when all is good but they would never be able to or maybe even want to invest the kind of time, effort, spirit and soul, and usually but not always, money into whatever problem your having at the moment. Well, I tell ya, after some serious soul searching and being brutally honest with myself I had to admit I was beginning to feel some resentment that all I am is a shoulder, doormat, ATM, etc. to so many and was truly seen as a friend and/or family member by very few…the one’s, that because of whatever reason, time…distance…I never helped them we just mutually supported each other through the dark and celebrated together in the light.
It was hard, and it made me cry thousands of tears. Tears of mourning the relationship I thought I had but when the relationship changes to me being a friend/family member without being the “cleaner” who always takes care of it all…I was left with very few friends, but really good friends that I could count on one hand…
It was an ugly entity, this reality of most of my friends are only friends with me because of what I can do for them…not because of who I am, my heart, my soul, my mind. Nope, because if the chips were never down they choose to share their lives with others, not with you.
Becoming healthy in not just your body, but even more importantly in your soul, your mind, in your heart. You truly need to shed the weight of others who are there to simply drain the life out of you in order to refuel themselves. They need you like a car needs gas, like you need food to fuel your body, to keep the motor running and you happily provide. But then the engine is running strong and clean and your standing there alone as you watch this well working life now just trot on down the road not even looking back….onward to bigger and better things than you. Thanks or not, it just sucks…oh yea, your welcome, I’ll be glad to wait here until you need me for something again, maybe then you can tell me about how awesome life was until the other shoe dropped….again.
If you are this person like me…STOP. They will not die without you, they may become a little uncomfortable because lets face it, you did the difficult parts of life for them and now they are going to have to figure it out for themselves. Invest in yourself, you are so fucking worth it!!! I promise you, when you begin to find like minded people, you will find that your new friends, along with the few you had after doing some “cleaning” are worth more than gold, and the one’s you mourned not shedding, but rather placing in the outside ring of your life. I would never dismiss, or throw away a friend I new was just lost, but I can’t keep enabling them to drain me of everything I have learned to love about me so I just place them on the outside, they can see in, they can hear me and I can hear them. However, I reserve the right to not respond in any way and there are parts of my life that they can no longer see, because they simply have not earned that privilege, they lost it because of their neglect.

It’s an odd and kind of lonely feeling at first, but then you realize there are people around you that want to see you succeed and even be a part of it, they lift you up and cheer you on, they cry with you and for you and they celebrate your wins and even encourage you to celebrate when you don’t believe it’s warranted. Each one of us is worthy of all the love and compassion, kindness and forgiveness, inclusion and celebration that is part of everyday life, or at least it is now!!
Please don’t believe for one minute that you have to hold on to these people tight, they wouldn’t do the same for you.
As for me…and for YOU…we are enough! We are incredible, amazing and unique individuals with gifts, talents, love, compassion, passion, creativity, energy….I could really go on forever, adjectives are my new thing! But seriously…WE ARE WORTHY, WE ARE ENOUGH, WE ARE FUCKING FABULOUS! And don’t let another living soul make you believe your not

For the past several weeks I have been on a real 70’s kick with music, and music is all I do. Jim asks to watch the news at 11, and well that’s ok, cuz I’m already halfway to bed (been sleeping on the couch for the past 45 minutes!) And Jim, being a big fan of the era, as he IS older than I! Today, while preparing dinner a song came on that just took my entire being over and I just couldn’t stop my booty from shakin! The original recording of Proud Mary by no other than TINA TURNER, yea Ike was there too, the bastard…be that may, shaking my booty, singing loud and proud and waving my spatula like no other something came to me. Not as startling as a haunting memory, but something warm, and sweet, with a familiar feeling washing over you. There they are, I knew you were out there somewhere. I could see little bits and pieces of you from time to time, but no sooner did I see you, but a dark memory intruded in and put you in the back again. Now that all that darkness is turning to dust and blowing away as I release the breath I held so tight in fear and send it to dust as the light shines so brightly I am almost blinded by the radiance of this memory. The music, it’s the music…absorbed in the music of the mid 60’s through the 70’s…this is the music I grew up to! I have always liked these two decades, even loved many bands but the memories were mostly bittersweet. The sweet was always so short lived before in marched the sour. Okay, done…let’s move on the music I can relate to, heavy metal and the grunge rock of the 90’s…of course, as another twisted soul, no matter the difference in age, the agony always the same. But now I am submerged in this music like a big, huge bathtub full of bubbles, at your most perfect temperature and you never want to get out! I am singing, and dancing, or my version looking somewhat like a mixture of Elaine from Seinfeld and an epileptic fit. But pretty or not, there is joy, and it is all encompassing when suddenly it hits you like a big gust of wind on a hot humid day, it almost takes your breath away but it’s so refreshing as it cools the sweat on your skin. You smile, you remember, all of those joyful memories of aunt Charlotte and uncle Ralph! Janell and her family, going water skiing, horseback riding, just being kids, hitchhiking to concerts with Joan and getting back stage in never you mind I am not telling you ever, but makes me laugh and say, you old slut! LOL But they’re clear now. Crystal clear…if you’ve ever taken a photography class, or I had the most amazing teacher ever, you look at a full color photograph…you study it, try to take in as many details as possible. Now, look at the same photo in black and white…OH MY LORD the details jump out at you, you are mesmerized and it’s as if you’re this glorious sponge and you are just absorbing every tiny detail. Go back to the color picture now…what do you see? You see every beautiful, technicolor memory in high definition without the blur, or the shadows and it’s beauty is magnificence and the only way to purely enjoy and take in that much beauty at one time is to weep. You fall down onto your sofa and you weep with such joy that smiling and laughter alone cannot express it, so you do it all…it’s exhausting, it’s like giving birth, but it is the most beautiful exhaustion next to giving your child life that you will ever feel. I AM FEELING AND I LOVE IT!

Thanks for joining me on this journey!

There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.  Laurell K. Hamilton